Dear Gold
by LavenderPotato
Summary: Not wanting to face reality, Silver writes a letter to Gold in hopes he'll understand the choices he's made.


Dear Gold,

This is so stupid. I don't even know why I'm writing this to you. What is it with you? You follow me around like a stupid puppy that's lost its mother or something. You can be pretty annoying, you know. I'm probably not even going to give you this letter, so I don't know why I'm even bothering writing all this down. You and Lyra are my only two friends, but I'm writing to you specifically because maybe you'll understand more? That's stupid, but I hope by the end of this, you'll see my logic.

Okay. I don't know how to begin without sounding weird. Both you and Lyra are worried, I know, but you have every right to be. I've been stealing money from my father to buy things for myself and that's really not something I want to do. I can't even win a pokemon battle anymore to reap the reward money. But I found an old guy in Goldenrod who's willing to sell me drugs. I found a really cool one. Amphetamines. They make me feel really happy for awhile and it helps me forget what happened. You wouldn't understand. But when I take them, I get to leave reality. Things feel more relaxed and colorful. I feel safe. I can't imagine your stupid faces when you read this, because even if I give you this letter, I won't be around.

But that's what's been happening. I know you walked in on me one time while I was high and it freaked you out, but it's nothing to be afraid of, because it's so much better than dealing with what happened. My dad doesn't care. He noticed I was acting weird and just told me to grow up. Guess he's never seen someone on drugs before.

I never wanted to do this, I never planned for it to happen, but this is what's going on. I never wanted to start this, I never meant to make you or Lyra worry about me. I don't need or want your pity.

But I don't know how to say this. I'm shaking so bad with anger, I can barely write. How the hell do you write this out? Words don't seem to be enough, and they make me sound stupid and weak.

You guys remember Proton, right? He's gone now. But before, when we were all on our journey and traveling around, I met him in the Slowpoke Well. It was right after he and those Team Rocket morons stole all the Slowpoke for their tails. I went down to investigate and found him hiding like a coward.

Naturally, he challenged me to a battle. You know me, I wasn't about to back down. So we fought and well-, long story short, he beat me. I was in shock at that point because I couldn't believe some stupid Rocket goon bested me in something I thought I was good at.

Thinking and writing about this makes me think I deserve what he did to me.

He recognized me and said he knew me, I was Giovanni's son and that he was surprised what a weakling his boss raised. With no pokemon to defend me, he tackled me down to the ground. I won't lie to you, because I can't. I fought. I kicked and screamed and bit and yelled for help, but he overpowered me.

I can't tell you how disgusted I am at myself for letting him rape me. But just so you know, I made it as fucking hard for him as I was able. I got a few punches in the face for fighting back, but that was nothing. I won't go into detail. You're probably both already gawking like weirdos at this letter. I don't blame you.

But Gold, you were always right. You can't imagine what I'm thinking. Hell, I don't even know what I'm thinking half the time. I spend all my free time getting as high as I can, so I don't have to face reality anymore. You wouldn't believe how much it absolutely sucks. I pretended like nothing happened after that. I pretended I was strong and that I could overcome it by ignoring it.

Obviously, that didn't happen. I couldn't do it anymore. I was afraid for a long time after that. I lost my confidence to fight even the mealiest battle, and ended up hiding from people. I know I ignored you and Lyra for a long time, but that's why. Anger and depression only made everything worse. There were days I couldn't even get out of bed, I was so sick of everything.

What hurt me the most was that I was used and abused like a piece of trash, that I couldn't save myself. I guess it just goes to show you you're nothing without a pokemon there to save your ass. I'm so weak.

I'm glad Proton is gone, though.

I know that makes me sound like a stupid little baby, but. But, I'm really glad, okay. If it weren't for you guys, I don't know. He'd probably still be around.

But that's what's been happening. I'm not angry at you guys or anything. I'm not trying to be antisocial. I just can't deal with this sometimes. And yes, I'm on amphetamines. They help a lot more than you know. I've gotten thinner too.

I still feel dumb for writing this. How many times have I used that word, I wonder? I can't deal with any of this right now. I'm still living in fear, I'm still afraid of every damn person I walk past on the street, I still haven't gotten over what happened. I hate being like this, I hate myself, and I can't forgive myself for letting that happen.

I might send you this letter anyway. But I don't know. I can't make up my mind about it. It won't change anything, you guys will probably still treat me the same way. I don't want any friendship circles or stuff like that going on. I just want to be left alone.

I just wanted you guys to know I appreciate everything, and I'm sorry.

I can't do this.

Silver


End file.
